A sudden movement seen from out of the corner of my eye snapped me out of my reverie. Outside the window two sparrows were squabbling over a tasty morsel. I sat watching them quietly and trying to recall my thoughts.
Something was pricking at the back of my mind; a memory or a connection that I couldn't quite grasp. It had lodged there at some point in the previous few days. Indeed I could pinpoint the moment when it had first jabbed at my conscience. I had been telling Sadie about the attack on me and I'd finally admitted to her and to myself that what had happened to me was a multiple rape. It was at that point that some link had been made; some association so horrifying that I had immediately rejected it.

The idea had persisted deep in my thoughts; a hypothesis that was somehow very important if I could but allow it to surface again. 'Why had I rejected it anyway?' I wondered. 'Was it the thing that had pushed me over the edge into attempted suicide?'.

The idea of suicide was utterly ludicrous. 'Was I really stupid enough to take an overdose the other night' I wondered in amazement. I remembered the bottle of Aspirins bought from the chemist and the bottle; no two bottles of whisky from the corner shop. 'So why aren't I dead?' I asked myself. 'Tony and Danny didn't want to die but it happened anyway. I wanted to kill myself and couldn't manage it'. A cynical thought flitted across my mind. 'Had fate intervened for some reason or was I simply so inept that I couldn't even get a simple thing like that right'.

A sour aroma had been irritating my nostrils for some time. It suddenly registered as the smell of old vomit. Of course, I'd been violently sick shortly after swallowing the bottle of tablets and washing them down with a half bottle of whisky. The lethal cocktail simply hadn't had time to work.

In the bright morning sunlight the room looked far less forbidding. The scratched and battered bookcase with it's scanty collection of dog eared books and tatty magazines was simply that; dog eared and tatty. The shadow that was cast by the ancient roll top desk with its tarnished brass fittings and its coffee stained wood was simply a shadow; not a hiding place for all the ghouls of my nightmares.

Tony had been part of those nightmares ever since his death in Whitby harbour all those years ago. I suddenly realised that I'd never been able to shake off a feeling of guilt about my role in that episode even at a conscious level. No wonder that I'd been having nightmares about him ever since. The thought, 'thank God that I've had never had such dreams about Danny' popped into my head without warning. 'Now where did that idea come from?' I wondered. 'There's no reason why he should be in my nightmares'.

Something about Danny nagged at the back of my mind as I got to my feet. I was aching and I wanted another cup of coffee and a bath. I moved towards the kitchen, collecting coffee mugs as I went. God , how many mugs of coffee had I drunk. Surely not all of these. Then I remembered again.

"Shit!" I groaned. "Tommy and Mick were here!" I had walked out on them the other night or rather I'd scuttled out on them like a frightened rabbit when I realised that they knew everything. That had been stupid; trying to deny the truth to the two people who might actually understand what I was going through.

I dropped one of the mugs and it shattered on the floor, a sliver gashing me across the leg. The sharp pain triggered a memory of the sadism of my rapists and out of the blue the connection was made. The rest of the mugs slipped from my nerveless fingers as the horror that had been hiding in my mind suddenly exploded into full view. I had been attacked by the same people that had murdered Danny!

The pieces fitted. Danny's body had been found in a park and I had been attacked in one. We had both been tied up and tortured and we had both been subjected to multiple rape. The sole difference was that I had survived.

I was finally confronted by the glaring fact that I had locked away for so long. I could identify Danny's killers! I could see their faces in front of me. Every mark and tattoo on their bodies was engraved in my memory. I even had a name..... Josh!.

A wave of nausea swept over me and I sat down on the floor, shaking. One thought stood clear. Fate had stopped me from killing myself; fate or Danny. I'd been saved for a purpose. I knew that I had to tell what I knew. I had to go to the police. I had to get in touch with Bullivant. Having taken a decision I suddenly felt much more at ease with myself. I allowed my thoughts to drift into nothingness for a few minutes, relaxing for the first time since that April night. A stray thought finally filtered through. 'At this moment a bath would be the most wonderful thing in the world'

I hauled myself to my feet, crossed the landing to the bathroom and began to run a bath. 'One good thing about this dump' I thought as the tub slowly filled. 'The water's always hot' With the bath full, I undressed and climbed in. The water was wonderful; so soothing and relaxing; just like the bath Tommy had given me the other day. I had been out of my mind at the time but his tender ministrations had somehow registered and lodged in a corner of my memory.

I lay back in the hot water; eyes closed; reminiscing. When Tommy and I had made love that first time it had been so innocent, so carefree. 'What was that comment her made when he came in with the coffee for my hangover?' I tried to drag it out but it wouldn't come to mind.

Thinking of Tommy led to thoughts of Victor. That led inevitably to thoughts of David. 'That time' I thought. 'The very first time with David on the grass by the mill dam; that was really so naively chaste. a few touches, a little caressing and then a fountain of semen cascading over our bodies' The thought of that perfect moment caused my body to stir in a way that it hadn't done for weeks. Sleepily, almost automatically I began to massage my groin, feeling the stirrings growing into a throbbing insistent desire.

"I hope that I'm a part of whatever it is you're thinking about?". That was what Tommy had said that day when he brought the coffee in. 'It's funny how memories about the smallest details can be so accurate' I thought. 'And after all.....' The thought trailed off in stunned astonishment and another took its place. 'That wasn't a memory. Someone just said it. Tommy just said it!'.

"I've got to be dreaming" I muttered as I opened my eyes.

Tommy stood in the bathroom doorway, smiling uncertainly. I could see Mick standing behind him and behind them both I thought that the door to my room had just closed. I wasn't certain though. Perhaps I'd just imagined it. "Hope you don't mind me coming in" Tommy continued, "but you never could get the hang of bolting a bathroom door".

Wordlessly I climbed out of the bath and ran into Tommy's arms. Mick joined us and I held them both tightly for a moment. "I think that you'd better get dried off and get dressed" Tommy said finally. "We have something to tell you".

"I've got something to tell you first" I insisted and I began to relate my thoughts and insights into Danny's death while I dried off and dressed. They both listened until I'd finished.

Mick finally broke the silence. "I wish that you'd felt able to tell us about this earlier" he said "I think that I know this guy Josh or at least I know a few things about him. He's a nasty piece of work and I've always tried to keep as far away from him as possible. If you want, I'll go with you when you go to see Bullivant. The bastard needs to be put away as soon as possible!".

"I'd like that" I said, referring to his offer to accompany me to Scotland Yard. "I think I'm going to need all the support I can get". We stood in silence for a while, each of us lost in our own thoughts. "You said that you had some news for me" I asked finally. "What is it?".

"After you ran out the other night Mick and I had a long conversation on the phone with Victor" Tommy said. "The outcome was that I travelled up home yesterday".

"You've been back to Bradford?" I queried. "What for? I don't understand".

"I went to see David" Tommy said simply. "We all felt that it was time to try and get you and him back together again".

"But I can't go back" I mumbled miserably. "I couldn't face him after all the things I've done and if he knew about my whoring and the other things he wouldn't want me back anyway".

"I think you may be wrong there" Tommy said gently. "Do you still want to get back with him?".

"You know that I do, but...."

"Never mind 'but'!" Mick interjected. "Let's get out of this bathroom. I could do with a cup of coffee. We'll talk about it in there". He guided me firmly back to my room.

The shock that awaited me inside my room took a few seconds to register. A figure was standing by the window but the bright sunshine pouring in through the glass made it difficult for me to identify him. When I finally realised who it was it took me a few seconds longer to find my voice. "What....? Why are....? How did you get here?" I finally managed to blurt out.

David stood there. "Tommy came looking for me yesterday" he answered finally. "We spent most of last night talking; mainly about you. I know all about the.... attack" he continued hesitantly. "I know what you've been forced to do to live.... No; wait! Let me finish what I have to say" he pleaded as I tried to interject. I subsided and allowed him to continue. "We talked a bit about me too" he went on. "I was done for 'cottaging' a few weeks ago and as a result I got the sack. Things are pretty ugly for me in Bradford at the moment. To cut a long story short Tommy suggested that I ought to move down to Brighton. There are plenty of jobs going and he says that he and his friends can put me.... us up until we get our own place". He paused for a moment to allow the significance of what he was proposing to sink in.

I said nothing but simply held my arms out. As Tommy and Mick slipped out of the room David came into my embrace.

To Be Continued....