Alan opened his eyes again. His head was still throbbing but not quite as agonisingly as before. The whisky bottle was still in his hand so he took another long swig, preferring temporary oblivion to the prospect of having to face up to the pain of the last few months. His job was gone and his flat and all his possessions were destroyed. All that he had managed to salvage were some clothes and a few dog eared books which now stood in the scratched and battered book case that came with the room. Even the tatty magazines on the bottom shelf came as part of the fixtures and fittings along with a motley collection of odds and ends. The only new items in the room were the fireside coal scuttle and the little stand of fire brushes glinting in the sunlight. The furniture was equally scruffy; the only half decent piece of furniture was an ancient roll top desk with tarnished brass fittings and coffee stained wood. It dominated everything, casting shadows across half the room. The shutter on the desk was rolled back and its contents strewn around. He'd made a hell of a mess looking for the bloody whisky; which reminded him that he still held the bottle. He took another large swallow, consuming about half of what was left and closed his eyes again. A stray thought from his past fought it's way out of the depths of his memory. He allowed it free rein.

January 1969.

A muffled squalling that had been going on for some time finally forced me to open my eyes. Sue was sleeping next to me, snoring gently. Once asleep nothing could wake her. That meant that when Peter woke up I had to look after him myself.

Pulling my dressing gown over my pyjamas I went over to the cot and picked him up. Almost immediately the wailing ceased, to be replaced by a contented gurgling. It never ceased to amaze me how such small package of humanity could be so demanding; so self centred and yet so perfect and loving. Simply holding him in my arms almost made the sacrifices worthwhile.

When Sue had informed me that she was pregnant the news had destroyed all my hopes and as yet unformulated plans and thrown me deep depression. The news had come at the end of one of the happiest periods of my life.

Victor and Danny had stayed at the flat for a week and in that time I'd started to accept those things about myself that had been lurking in the periphery of my mind for some time. I now knew that I was gay and that to continue my relationship with Sue could destroy both of us. I knew that I would have to find a way to end things and that I still wanted to make it look as if she was finishing with me, but I still had no idea how to facilitate this. There was also a growing desire to see David again; seeing him in the Junction had stirred feelings in me that I had thought long dead and buried. At our first meeting Victor had suggested....; no told me; that I still loved David and I was beginning to suspect that he was right.

On Friday afternoon Victor announced that he and Danny would be leaving the next day. "I phoned Zandra this morning" he said, "and she's heard on the grapevine that the police have managed to trace us as far as Leeds. I've been in contact with a friend in London and he's prepared to put us both up until we find a place of our own". He snorted cynically. "No doubt we'll have to work bloody hard to repay his generosity though".

"What does Danny think of this?" I asked.

"He's not exactly overjoyed at the prospect" Victor replied. "But then neither am I. Beggars can't be choosers though. It would be far too dangerous for us all if we stayed here. You'd be in serious trouble; Danny would have to go back into care and I'd probably end up in jail or worse". I nodded, understanding the problem and accepting the inevitable.

"Let's forget about that for now" Victor continued. "Since this is going to be our last night together, let's make the most of it. I'll take everybody out for a meal and we'll go on to a pub afterwards".

By the time the meal was over it was clear that we all wanted to go to the Junction; Victor and Danny because they felt comfortable there; Tommy because he was fascinated with the place and me because I was half hoping that David might be in. I told none of them about this although I think that at least Victor guessed. Indeed I pretended to a certain reluctance and only allowed myself to be persuaded on a majority decision.

When we walked in, the pub was packed. Victor and Tommy went to the bar while Danny and I found a corner well away from the eyes of the staff; we didn't want to make Danny's presence too obvious. Sitting down with our drinks we began to observe and comment on what was going on around us.

Victor immediately pointed out an older, well dressed man who was talking to a much younger youth. "He's one of those blokes who tried to pick me up when I was waiting for you in here last time. Apparently he's quite wealthy; he certainly had a wallet full of fivers and tenners when I was talking to him. He's the kind of man that I'd be perfectly happy to have as a regular client if I was working around here".

We studied the two of them for a few moments. The older man seemed to be losing interest, turning away frequently to chat to people around him.

"He's lost that one" Danny commented, referring to the youth. "He's a complete amateur. Doesn't seem to have any idea how to clinch a deal".

"Are you suggesting that he's a pro..... Professional" Tommy amended hastily. "How can you tell."

"You can stop trying so hard to be diplomatic", Victor commented "We know what we are and we don't mind you two referring to the fact". He took a sip of his drink. "As for how we know about other rent boys; it's easy. One professional can always spot another a mile away; at least if he or she is any good at their job. Our livelihood and safety can sometimes depend on it. You have to be a very quick learner when it comes to knowing which pitches are free and who's plying for trade".

"Every gesture tells a story" Danny added. "For instance; ask a prospective punter for a light and the way you lean towards him to accept it lets him know that you're available; or wear a certain colour of hanky in your back pocket to let him know that you're offering a special kind of service. Different colours for different services".

"What colours for what services?" I queried.

"I really don't think you need to know that" Victor interjected. "Leave us with a vestige of privacy and respect at least".

"Tommy changed the subject. "I've just seen someone I used to go to school with. I hope he hasn't seen me".

"Who do you mean?" I asked, seeing the alarm in his face.

"The lad over there in the Carnaby Street gear". He indicated a spotty youth with a droopy moustache and an outrageously Ruritanian uniform jacket.

"He's obviously into the Beatles" I commented.

"I think you're secret's safe with him" Danny said. "He's with that other lad. They're holding hands at the moment. See!". We all looked across to see the two in question kiss one another fleetingly on the lips.

"You can cut that out right now!". A stentorian female bellow cut across the babble. "I wont have any funny goings on in my pub! And keep that fucking door clear!" she boomed equally imperiously at a crowd of people by the bar door.

"That's Cora the landlady" Victor stated. "I was talking to her last Sunday when I first got here. She's not as fierce as she sounds. Her bark's a lot worse than her bite. She's strict though; wont allow anyone to get up to anything; straight or gay. One warning's all they get!".
He began to relate his conversation with her while we continued to watch the happenings in the bar.

The next hour passed pleasantly enough in conversation and banter but all the time I kept one eye on the door. My hopes were finally rewarded when David walked in. He was on his own and he went to the far end of the bar where he continued to stand after he had bought his drink. He hadn't seen any of us.

As I watched him, memories of times long ago came flooding back. That warm summer evening at the mill dam; nights at his home and at mine; and the commitment we'd made to one another in the neglected old church in York. Suddenly the good times seemed to be far more important than the bad. I made the decision that had been hovering at the back of my mind for the last week.

"I'll be back in a while" I said to Tommy as I stood up.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Just over there. I want to apologise to David".

All three looked across to where David was standing. Victor smiled. "Methought the lady did protest too much when we suggested coming here" he quoted. Tommy nodded, the light dawning in his face. Only Danny looked perplexed.

"Fill him in" I suggested "and kindly remember that I'm no lady. I wouldn't be much good to you if I was" With that barb I left them to their own devices.

David never saw me coming till I spoke. "Hello" I said shyly. "How are you?". He turned and looked at me for a moment, a flash of ... pain perhaps; or hatred... flaring in his eyes before he pulled down a mask of blankness. He stood there saying nothing; simply looking. Finally I spoke again, more nervously this time "I think I owe you an apology for last week"

"I don't want any apologies" he said sourly, "but I think you owe me a bloody explanation for the last four years". He looked me right in the face. I flinched and mumbled another apology.

"Oh don't look so pathetic!" he continued, his voice softening a little. "Let's get a quiet spot somewhere and see if we can find anything to talk about. I'll get us both a drink first if that's OK with you". I nodded dumbly.

We ended up in the passage that led from the bar to the toilets. People kept pushing past us but at least we had some degree of privacy. After an embarrassing silence David spoke first.

"I didn't mean to be so sharp with you in there. It's just that after last week I never expected to see you again; especially in here; so you took me completely by surprise". He paused and I allowed the silence to drag on. Finally he continued. "I'm not at all sure how I feel at the moment. I'm really pleased to see you again but at the same time I'm half expecting you to storm out again if I say the wrong thing".

I smiled at him wanly. "I can't promise that I'm not going to leave but if I do I'll try to be civil about it at least. It's taken me all week to pluck up the courage to come back here in the hope that you'd be around. I was just thinking about the good times we used to have when you came in. That's when I finally made up my mind to come over. I wasn't sure how you'd react. After all I've treated you pretty badly for a long time".

"You can say that it again" he said with a touch of asperity. "Looking back though, what I did must have seemed pretty despicable from your point of view, so I can understand why you reacted in the way that you did. Even so, for a long time I hoped that we could sort something out".

"What happened then is in the past and I'd rather it was left there. I don't really want to talk about it". I took a sip of my drink, trying to think of something else to say. David saved me the trouble.

"We'll have to sort things out some time" he mused, "but you're probably right. This isn't the time or the place, so let's talk about something else".

We stood in strained silence for a while until David suddenly asked a question. "A long time ago somebody told me that you had a girlfriend. Is it true? Are you still with her?". I nodded. "I must say, I'm surprised" He continued. "I didn't really believe it. You never seemed to be the sort of person who would go down that road. When we were together you always seemed to be so sure of your sexuality. It was always me who was confused".

"I remember. When I told you that I'd been thinking about the good times we had, one of the memories was of that night when we went swimming.

David smiled broadly. "Yes. I remember how terrified I was. I was so scared that you'd find it disgusting. I half thought that it was myself. I've changed a good deal since then.... and learned a hell of a lot" he added.

"So have I" I countered. "I've only just rediscovered the gay side of myself. In fact you've already met the two people who've done most to help me come to terms with things" He looked at me blankly for a second before he remembered.

"Oh yes, the two lads you were with last week. One of them came in with you and I was talking to the other one. What was his name now.... that's it; Victor" He said jubilantly. "Are they here with you tonight?".

"Yes" I answered. "Victor and a friend of his have been staying with me but they're leaving tomorrow. Tommy's here as well. He's the friend I came in with last week. He's living at my flat"

"Is he your lover?" David enquired, disappointment in his voice.

"No, he's just a very close. Actually he's my girlfriends brother"
"That must be a bit awkward" David commented.

"Not really" I said smiling. "He's gay himself although like me, he's got a girlfriend. Anyway, when things get too complicated we keep one another company, if you see what I mean".

"You mean you sleep together?".

"Yes. You don't find that hard to handle do you?". he shook his head. I thought for a moment about what I was trying to express. "I suppose it must sound a bit odd, putting it like that. It's just that having sex with one another has solved so many problems. To start with we've been able to support one another in trying to keep a straight life going. We've both faced the same problems with our girlfriends. Also we've kept one another sane by being available for each other when things got too frustrating".

"So how come you're here tonight then?".

"Tommy and I have been talking a lot this last few weeks and we've both more or less decided that we want to start living our lives honestly". I looked at David. "Since you and I split I've tried to live a normal life; having a girlfriend and all that; but it's getting harder each week. For a while I blamed it on Sue. She's been getting more and more distant and bad tempered in the last few months. I realise now though that the situation would be the same whoever the girl was. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with any woman so I've been taking it out on her. All she's been doing is reacting to that. The problem now is that I don't think I've got the courage to tell her the truth. I know it would be the right thing to do but I'm scared of the backlash from everybody. I still remember what your father did and I know that a lot of other people would be even more hostile than he was".

"I understand what you're saying" David commented "I sometimes wish that I hadn't been so open with everyone since we split". He paused for a moment remembering past events; pain lingering in his face. "Have you decided how you're going to go about it then?" he asked finally. I shook my head disconsolately.

David put his arms around my waist and guided me gently into an alcove in the corridor. I froze for an instant before I accepted that this was what I wanted. Taking his head in my hands I kissed him fiercely on the lips. We broke finally and I whispered into his ear; "I've tried to hate you for so long for what you did but suddenly it seems such a pointless emotion and such a waste of time. Victor once told me that I was still in love with you and I'm beginning to think he was right".

"I've never stopped loving you" David said kissing me again. I could feel his hardness rising against my groin.

Disengaging myself gently from him, I came to a decision. "Will you come back to the flat with me tonight?" I asked. "I think that we've got a lot to catch up on".

"I'm not sure about that" he said thoughtfully. "I don't know if I'd be all that comfortable with your friends there as well". He saw the crestfallen look on my face. "I'll come back to your place if you really want but it might be a bit more private if you came back to mine instead. Would your friends mind?".

"Let's go and ask them" I said, pulling him back towards the bar.

Tommy and the others had been joined by a fourth man when we returned. His back was to me as we walked across to the table but he seemed very familiar from behind. "Look who's here" Tommy called as we came within speaking distance. "The last person in the world I'd have expected to see in a gay bar".

The newcomer turned to me and my jaw dropped in astonishment. "Roscoe......! What the.....!". The words simply refused to form.

"Probably the same thing as you!" Rosser commented drily.

"But how long....? When did you.....?". The shock was so great that the words simply stuck in my throat".

"Sit down and I'll tell you if you promise not to use my Sunday name again. I hate it". Mumbling an apology I did as I was told; remembering automatically to introduce David to him and Danny. "I've been coming in here on and off for about four years now" he continued when we were settled. "Ever since I realised that I was queer in fact. I guessed that I'd see the pair of you in here one day. I'm only surprised it took so long".

"What! You mean that you've known about Tommy and me all along?" I spluttered. "How?".

"Half the football team probably knows about you and Tommy" Rosser joked. It was Tommy's turn to choke on his beer. "I've had at least four members of the team in the last year" he continued. "I'm astonished that you've never sussed any of them out for yourselves. Mind you, neither of you hangs about long enough in the shower to see anything Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that any of them are raving puffs.... unlike me" he added in an aside. "It's more like that they like to play away occasionally, especially if they're not getting it from their wives or girlfriends".

I sat in stunned silence for a while, looking alternatively at Tommy and Rosser. Tommy was the first to speak. "I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised" he said. "I often used to notice that the horseplay got quite frisky. That's the reason I never used to hang around for long. I was scared that I would give the game away if I did". He looked at Rosser "How did you handle it?".

"If you'd hung around occasionally you'd have soon realised that it's always the same few lads who stay on after everyone else has gone. That's always when the serious wanking starts. From then on it's easy to make arrangements to see someone at another time".

"What about the coach?" I interjected. "Isn't he supposed to lock up after everybody's gone?".

Rosser laughed. "He's the randiest bugger of the lot. He's been lusting after you two ever since you joined the team. That's just between us" he added hastily. "I wouldn't want that repeating round the locker room".
After these revelations the conversations petered out into generalities for a while. All at once Tommy stopped in mid sentence. "I almost forgot to ask" He said, turning to me. "Would it be OK if Rosser comes back with me tonight? I asked him before you came back".

His request reminded me of my plans. "I can't see any problems there so long as you don't mind me going back to David's flat with him. It'll leave the whole place free for whatever games you four might dream up".

Back at David's flat we wasted no time in climbing into bed; we had a lot of catching up to do. Afterwards; a long time afterwards; we talked about what we'd been doing in the previous four years. We had a lot of catching up to do there as well. We made love again as the sun came up and then slept until lunch time.

Remembering that the coach to London was due to leave in the early afternoon I hurried to get dressed. I didn't want to miss saying goodbye to Victor and Danny. David kept trying to coax me back into bed and it took all my willpower to resist him. To distract him I started chatting.

"You weren't joking last night when you said that you'd learned a lot. You never used to be that adventurous. I seem to remember that we never really got past holding hands and other innocent pastimes"

"I wouldn't have said that our pastimes as you call them were all that innocent. I'll show you if you like" He made a playful grab for me but missed. Settling back on the bed he continued. "I'm not the only one who's learned a few things I'm glad to say. You had a couple of surprises up your sleeve yourself. I probably wouldn't even want to know where you picked up that little trick with your tongue".

"No you wouldn't!" I replied, laughingly throwing a cushion at him. "If I don't go now I'll miss Victor and Danny. I need a couple of days to sort things out with Sue so I'll leave it till next Tuesday or Wednesday to contact you. You understand don't you?".

David nodded quietly. "I love you" he whispered.

"I love you too. I know now that I always have". On that note I closed the door behind me and hurried off to the bus station.

When Victor and Danny finally got away after many hugs and a lot of forced jollity to hide our mutual sadness, Tommy and I returned to the flat. It seemed empty and forlorn now that we were alone again and when I couldn't stand the silence any longer I asked him what was wrong.

"Victor suggested that we should move to London once he and Danny get settled in" he said finally. "Mind you, he also said that you probably wouldn't want to go, not now that you're back with David again".

I thought about Tommy's words for a time while he sat looking at me, saying nothing. Finally I replied. "I take it that you're considering the offer, otherwise I don't think that you'd have mentioned it". He nodded. "If this situation had come up a couple of weeks ago I might have been tempted" I mused. "It would solve one problem at least. As you pointed out though, I'm back with David again, so that changes everything". I turned to him. "Have you reached a decision yourself?".

"Yes" he answered. "The sooner I can get away, the better. I hope that you understand. It's got absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about you. You're my best friend and buddy. My one regret will be not being near you. I'll miss you terribly but I know that it's the only way that I'm going to get out of this tangle I'm in with Jenny. I like her a lot; but I don't like her enough to tie myself down for the rest of my life".

"I feel even less inclined to stay with your sister but since I've decided to stay here for David it's going to be a lot harder for me. Like you I would have got out if I hadn't got involved with him again".

"The two of you could always come down together" Tommy suggested suddenly. "Why don't you put it to him?".

"If only I could" I mused longingly. "I suppose it might be possible eventually but we've got a lot of things from the past to sort out before either of us would be prepared to make that kind of commitment".

"Are you sure about David?" Tommy queried.

"If you mean am I sure that I love him then the answer is yes; but if you're asking whether things are going to work out between us then I simply don't know. We've hurt one another very badly in the past and it's going to take a lot of work to patch things up. I'm determined to give it a go though!".

"That's another reason why I think I should go to London".

I looked at him in puzzlement. "Why should me getting back with David force you to leave?".

"I know you so well Alan! You have a different way of looking at things to me. I'm very promiscuous; I like sex and I like plenty of variety. That's not your style. As far as I know you've only ever had sex with three men and that includes me. You didn't even touch Danny. He told me that you were too sweet and caring to want to take advantage of him when he was low. I'm right aren't I?". I mumbled assent.

"Now that David's back in your life you'll do your best to be faithful to him. It's in your nature to be monogamous. What that means though is that there'll be things that we can no longer do together; partly because of your scruples but also because I wouldn't want to come between the two of you. Oh I know that we'll always be there for each other. We'll still be able to talk about the most intimate aspects of our lives and there'll always be room for a cuddle or a shoulder to cry on; but I can't really see us having sex again. I understand that and I accept it but if I hang around here there'll always be that need; that little regret at the back of my mind. That kind of temptation will spoil things between us in the long run.

"You're very open about your need for variety and it might well be that you're right about my scruples; although I haven't got that far in my thinking yet. But if that is the case then the only thing that will stop is the sex and I don't think that you'll have any problem finding that elsewhere. That seems to be part of the challenge and the fun for you. So you see I'm still not certain what your point is".

Tommy paused for a few seconds, obviously embarrassed, before continuing. "There are two things that you're not aware of mainly because I've never told you. I've had quite a few encounters since Blackpool. Even you don't know how many. Most of them have been OK and a couple have been really good, but not one of them has come anywhere near you. You're by far the best lover I've ever had! More to the point though; of all those people, you're the only one that I've ever let screw me".

"I never realised that!" I stammered; stunned. "I don't know what to say except thank-you". He came to me and clasped me to his body. holding him tightly. I continued. "I think that you're wrong about one thing though. I may have scruples but I'll always know when you want that one thing from me and I'll find a way to be there for you". I could feel the passion stirring in my body - and his! "Come on! I ordered. "I think that now is one of those times".

Sue came round the next evening. She was aware that some friends had been staying and she'd decided to stay out of the way. The lass had never been one for mixing with other people apart from Jenny and Tommy; much preferring to spend quiet evenings with me or in a foursome.

When Sue arrived she said that she needed to talk to me about something. She seemed distracted and a bit agitated and I began to wonder what was wrong. I kept on at her, trying to wheedle some information out until she finally snapped at me, "Wait until Jenny gets here and I'll tell you. Stop nagging me until then!".

I looked across at Tommy. "Do you know what this is all about?" I mouthed silently at him. He shook his head slightly.

Sue pottered about, opening tins and preparing a quick meal for us all. It irritated me when she did this; she knew that we were both perfectly capable of cooking for ourselves. There was no point saying anything though; it would just cause a row and we had been having too many of them recently.

I was rapidly building up the courage to finish things between us. I decided to wait only until she had talked about what was on her mind. If I was very lucky she might grant me my wish and finish with me. In fact the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that this was what she was going to tell me. By the time Jenny arrived I was quietly hopeful.

The meal was finished and we were all settled in the lounge before Sue decided to put me out of my misery. "I'm pregnant", she announced. I sat in stunned disbelief, a glass of beer halfway to my mouth. Across the room, Tommy looked equally bewildered and uncomprehending. Jenny sat next to him, smiling to herself.

'She already knows' I thought to myself. 'She told her before she told me!'. "Are you sure?" I demanded. "When did it happen?". The words tumbled out of my mouth almost incoherently. I didn't want to believe it; it threatened to wreck everything that I'd decided to do. "Are you sure that it's mine?" I stammered without thinking.
"Of course it's yours" she snapped viciously "What do you take me for! Do you think I'm a bloody whore or something?".

"I'm sorry" I mumbled, trying to collect my thoughts. "I didn't mean that. It's just that you've
given me a bit of a shock". That was an understatement to say the least. "When did you find out?" I asked, trying to regain the initiative.

"I wasn't sure until a few days ago" she answered, her voice softening a little. "I would have told you sooner but I didn't want to come round while your friends were here. The doctor said that I'm about eleven weeks gone. You're the first person I've told".

"Except for Jenny" I said sourly.

"She only knows because I needed someone to go the doctors with me. I was too scared to go on my own". She looked at me, tears lingering in the corners of her eyes. "I'm scared Alan. What are we going to do?".

"I don't know. What do you want to do?".

Jenny interrupted from across the room. "I've told her that she ought to have an abortion".

"Keep out of this" I snapped at her. "This is between Sue and me. It's nothing to do with you at all". She opened her mouth to make a retort but Tommy quelled her with an angry look. I turned back to Sue. "I hope that's not a serious suggestion".

"I considered it briefly" she admitted, "but I'd be too frightened of something going wrong. Anyway it doesn't feel right. I've already made up my mind to have the child, so the only viable option for me is to get married. It's up to you now".

I knew exactly what Sue was asking and why. There was an unmarried mother in the flat next door and her life was hell. Everyone thought she was a tart and I had witnessed other neighbours slagging her off in the street in stage whispers; making sure that she could hear. She wasn't welcomed anywhere that other young mothers gathered; indeed she'd been physically attacked on a couple of occasions. Although I didn't love Sue, I couldn't let this kind of degradation be inflicted on her. There was also the point that as soon as Sue's family found out that I was the father, I'd be expected to do the right thing and marry her. Finally there was the inescapable fact that it takes two to tango. I was as much responsible for this mess as she was; if not more so. The man was held to be more dominant and therefore more to blame than the woman. I couldn't see any other choice. "I suppose that we'll get married as soon as we can" I said dully.

The next day I went to see David to tell him of my news and how it affected us. He'd been waiting for me, expecting a beginning, not an ending and he looked as devastated as I felt. He kept pleading with me to reconsider my decision and I kept repeating my reasoning to him. "I can't leave Sue to face things on her own" I kept saying, "and the only way I can give her the support she needs is to marry her and take on the baby; my baby. It means that I'm not going to be able to see you again. I can't take the risk of anyone finding out about my past".

We clung to one another tearfully for a while and then David pushed me away gently. "I
knew that you coming back was to good to be true" he said finally. "I think that you'd better go before I say something that I'll regret". I nodded silently and turned to the door. As I left I heard him say something that sounded like "I'll always love you" but I couldn't be certain. As I closed the door behind me my heart was breaking.

The next few days passed in a blur. I went through the motions of working and eating and planning for the wedding. Tommy was always there during that period and although we never spoke about things and we kept strictly to our own bedrooms, it was comforting to have him around. He told Sue and I that he would be moving out in time for her to move in after our wedding. What he didn't tell her was that he was leaving Bradford and Jenny and moving to London. He made his plans quietly, confiding in no-one except me. Even I was only given the barest details; no address and no way to contact him. "What you don't know about you won't have to lie about" He explained. "Don't worry. I'll find a way to get in touch you once I've found a place of my own and settled in".

The wedding itself was very quiet; very discreet. Sue's immediate family were there but I invited no-one from my side. I had no real desire to contact any of them again after what they had done to my father. I was beginning to know something of the total despair that he must of suffered trying to suppress his homosexuality. My only guests were a couple of colleagues from work; they weren't really much more than casual friends and I think that they were both a little surprised at being invited. However they came. Tommy was my best man.

We didn't bother with a reception; it didn't seem appropriate and anyway the money that we saved would be of far more use for the baby. Instead we went to the pub for an hour to give the occasion some semblance of jollity. Tommy gave the usual best man's speech and then slipped away to the toilet, signalling discreetly for me to follow him. "I just wanted to say goodbye" he said giving me a hug and a kiss. Then he was gone.

Because of the excitement of the wedding and Tommy's move away from the flat, it took Jenny a couple of days to realise that he'd gone for good. His disappearance from the pub hadn't registered; he was working shifts at the time so she was used to him not always being around. When she finally realised that he wouldn't be coming back all hell broke loose.

Jenny and Sue ganged up on me. They were convinced that I knew a lot more than I was saying and they made my life a misery for a few days. I finally managed to convince them that I knew no more than they did and eventually they began to ease up on me. It also began to become apparent that Jenny wasn't exactly devastated by her loss. Her ego seemed dented rather than her heart broken. Sue finally told me why.

"It's perhaps just as well that Tommy's disappeared" she commented to me one night as we lay in bed drinking our bedtime cocoa. "Jenny and him haven't been getting on at all well recently. She thinks that he might have another girlfriend somewhere. Him dumping her has more or less convinced her that she's right. I'm not so sure myself. I rather think that if there had been another woman one of us would have found some tangible evidence. Men are very bad at hiding what they're up to. For instance, I'd know straight away if you were seeing anyone else. Women are much better at that kind of secrecy". She leaned across to whisper, almost as if we were in a roomful of people. "Jenny met a new bloke a couple of months
ago. She's not actually been out with him yet, although he's asked her a couple of times. Next time he asks though, she'll be able to say yes. I know that she wants to . She'd more or less made up her mind to finish with that little toe-rag of a brother of mine anyway. Now she won't have to bother!".

Over the months preceding the birth of our son, life settled into a dull routine. I worked during the day and we stayed in night after night. Sue seemed quite content to stay at home and I didn't want the hassle of a row If I went out on my own. Jenny came round almost every night for a natter with Sue and as the weeks went on I began to feel more and more like an intruder in my own flat. I did go out for a drink a couple of times but the atmosphere was so icy when I got back that I soon gave up the idea. Instead, I began to drink in the house. At first it was just a glass of whisky before bed but within a few weeks I was drinking half a bottle a night and going to bed drunk. It eased the ache inside but it did very little to help me to forget.

Peter's birth in March was a difficult one for Sue and as a result they were both kept in hospital for a couple of weeks. It meant that for a short time at least I had some freedom. I went out almost every night; usually after a visit to the hospital. Until the last evening I stuck strictly to the local pubs but on that last night I decided to take a chance and go to the Junction. I spent a quiet evening there, speaking to no-one and leaving by myself but somehow I was reassured. It was good to know that the place was still there should I ever need to use it to meet someone. A vision of David's face popped into my mind but I pushed it away very firmly. I couldn't afford to think about him with a wife and baby coming home the next day.

Once Sue and Peter came home we settled back into a kind of half life; tolerating each other but not really communicating on anything other than day to day superficialities. I stopped going out again, preferring instead to stay in and baby-sit while Sue went out two or three nights a week with Jenny. I began to wonder if she was seeing someone else but it really didn't seem to be all that important. I wouldn't leave her but if she left me for another man it would suit me fine.

As I stood nursing Peter and watching the first glimmerings of dawn breaking through the window I found myself wishing that if she was going to leave me she would hurry up and do it. It was a thought that I was going to regret bitterly.

Peter had gone back to sleep in my arms so I tucked him up again in his cot and started to get ready for work. I was just about to take a cup of tea in to Sue to wake her up when there was a knock at the front door. I opened it to find two men standing there. They flashed police identity warrants at me.

"I am Detective Sergeant Forbes and this is Detective Constable Collins. We're here in response to a request from colleagues in London. Are you Alan Wilton?" Forbes queried. I nodded. "Do you know a man called Thomas Sullivan" he continued.

"Why? What's happened? Is Tommy hurt or something?".

"No sir. Mr Sullivan is perfectly well, but we need to ask you a few questions about him. May we come in? I nodded again and led them into the lounge.
"What's all this about?" I asked when we were all settled.

I understand that you are married to Mr Sullivan's sister?" I nodded again. "Is she here and if so could you ask her to join us? She may be able to help us with our enquiries".

I went to wake Sue up and explain what was happening. Throwing on her dressing gown she checked on Peter and then followed me into the lounge.

At first the questioning was general; mainly confirmation of Tommy's personal details; but for a time the detectives were evasive about the purpose of their enquiries. We ranged over the details of Tommy's life from childhood, with Sue providing most of the answers. After a while though the serious interrogation started.

"I understand that Mr Sullivan lived here for a while before he moved to London? Sue looked at me. It was her first intimation of his whereabouts. I acknowledged the information. "What was the nature of the relationship between you?" he finished.

"We were friends" I answered, immediately suspicious and fearful of the way the questions were beginning to lead. "What other kind of relationship would you expect?".

He ignored that. "Did a young man called Daniel Hargreaves ever stay here with you and Mr Sullivan?".

"Daniel Hargreaves" I queried . "I don't think.... ". Comprehension dawned. "Oh Danny! Yes he did once. I never knew his surname so it took a few seconds to realise who you were talking about" I explained.

"How did you come to have a house guest who appears to have been almost unknown to you?". The questioning was becoming distinctly uncomfortable.

"He turned up expectedly with a friend of mine from Blackpool".

"And that would be....?".

"His name is Victor; I can't remember his surname either".

"You seem rather accommodating for people that you don't really know" Forbes said sarcastically. I squirmed in embarrassment. "His name is Victor Kominski" he continued "He has a step brother called Paulo. I don't suppose that you can recall his surname either?".

I shook my head. "I thought not" He continued. "His full name is Paulo Delgado Villafuerte or perhaps you know him as Petra Delgado".

"Are you going to tell us what this is all about?" I snapped at him, anger finally overcoming
my fear.

"We are assisting in an investigation into the murder of Daniel Hargreaves. Your brother-in-law is helping our colleagues in London, along with Mr Kominski. Mr Villafuerte is helping with a number of enquiries in Manchester.
Stunned at the news, I had great difficulty in holding back my tears. " Oh my God! What happened?".

Forbes studied me for a moment. "I would like you to come down to the station with me" he said finally. "I must stress that you're not under arrest but a couple of senior officers are on their way from London and I feel that you may be of great assistance to them".

"What about my wife?" I asked dully.

"My sergeant will stay here to see if there is any further information she can give that will assist in eliminating her brother from our enquiries". He turned to Sue. "If you wish, I can get a policewomen here to sit with you until we finish with your husband". She shook her head in refusal.

At the police station the two detectives from London had already arrived and I was handed over to them. This time the officers were more senior. They introduced themselves as Detective Inspector Bullivant and Detective Sergeant Smith of the Murder Squad. Bullivant began by terrifying me.

"We are aware of a sexual relationship between yourself and Victor Kominski and we believe that we could prove a similar relationship with you and Daniel Hargreaves. You do understand that buggery is a very serious offence, particularly with a minor?". He looked at me for confirmation. I was too stunned to attempt to deny anything. "However" he continued "We are investigating the particularly brutal murder of a young man and under the circumstances we're far more concerned to solve the major crime than we are to punish people for something that everyone seems to have been happy to participate in. I take it we understand each other?". I nodded again. "I need to know everything that you can tell me about Danny. In particular I need any information at all that you may have about his family background and his past. Any scrap of information, however small, may be vital. I ask you to assume that we know nothing at all about Danny, so let's start at the beginning. Do you know where he was born" I nodded again and told him what Danny had told me. "How did you acquire this information?" Bullivant continued in a gentler tone; and so the questions began.

I was allowed to go home some five or six hours later. The interrogation had been intense, detailed and thorough but it had become clear early on that I wasn't a suspect; nor were Victor or Tommy; and that no action would be taken against any of us on any other matter.

It was only at home that the full horror of what had happened to Danny finally hit me. Although I hadn't been told in detail about what had happened it appeared that he'd been
abused and tortured before being killed.

Sue wasn't there when I eventually got back. Instead there was a short note to say that she had taken Peter to her mother's for a few days while she thought about her future. I knew instinctively that she'd left me for good. If she had been told half as much as I had by the police she was bright enough to be able to understand my own earlier involvement with her brother and Danny. I was devastated; not at losing Sue, that was almost a relief; but at the thought of never seeing Peter again. The secret that I'd carried for so long was about to become public property. If my wife could work out what had been going on then so could her family and everyone else who knew me and Tommy. Or at least that was my fear.

The actuality when it came was far worse. On my way to work the next day I picked up the local morning paper to read on the bus. Looking at the front page. the headline screamed at me.

'BRUTAL LONDON SEX MURDER'
'LOCAL CONNECTION'
In a statement issued last night it was revealed that detectives from Scotland Yard are in the city to question a local man about the brutal murder of street boy Daniel Hargreaves, who was found dead in a London park two days ago. He had been tied up and sexually molested before being killed. It is understood that another local man, Thomas Sullivan, who now lives in London and Victor Kominski with whom he shares a house in Paddington are at present helping the police with their enquiries. The murdered teenager shared the house in Paddington with them. Sullivan used to share a flat in Bradford with the so far un-named local man and it is believed by the police that Kominski and the dead boy stayed there on at least one occasion......

My mind went numb; this was worse than I could possibly have imagined. Everything that had happened over the last few years was being splashed across the newspapers in a sordid travesty of the truth. I had been identified to everyone who knew me and Tommy as positively as if my name and address had been emblazoned in bold type across the front page. I arrived at work in a daze, waiting for the backlash. It wasn't long in coming.

"Have you seen the paper this morning?". The speaker was one of the people who had been at my wedding. "Sullivan" she mused, fishing for confirmation of what she already suspected. "That's your wife's maiden name isn't it?".

I decided to brazen things out. "You know damn well it is! Tommy's my brother-in-law. You met him at the wedding; he was my best man. And before you ask; I don't know what's going on any more than you. The guy who was murdered and the other lad were friends of Tommy not me. They stayed at my flat once and they seemed like perfectly ordinary people. That's all I've been able to tell the police because that's all I know".

By lunch time the story had gone all round the mill and opinion seemed to be divided between those who were prepared to accept my story and those who took the attitude that 'there's no smoke without fire'. People who didn't usually have much to say to me came over
to offer support while people who I thought were friendly were avoiding me.

Just before clocking-off time a message came down from the manager's office summoning me to see him immediately. The interview was brief. I was allowed to give my version of my involvement in the case and then judgement was passed. "I regret that we do not feel able to continue with your employment" the manager intoned formally. "We are a happy family here and this kind of thing is not very good for our image. We will of course pay you fully to the end of the month and you are due two weeks holiday pay. I would suggest also that if you are prepared to give me your resignation it would be better for your future prospects than if we were to dismiss you. With your resignation we would of course be able to provide you with a reference. Your work has always been exemplary" he added, as if such faint praise was sufficient compensation for losing my job. Numbly I complied with his suggestion. He then dropped his final bombshell.

"Two gentlemen are waiting in the outer office" he told me. "Apparently they wish to ask you a few questions". He summoned his secretary. She walked in followed by Forbes and Collins.

"Alan Wilton" Forbes began. "I'm arresting you on suspicion of keeping a brothel. You do not have to say anything but anything you do say will be taken down and may be used in evidence against you".

As I was escorted from the office the secretary gave me a withering look of contempt and disgust. Walking through the mill I could feel the eyes of the curious boring into my back and I could hear the whispers all round me.

"Those two look like coppers....".

"....like he's been arrested!".

"....there's more to it than meets the eye".

And so the whispers went on. I looked straight ahead trying to ignore everyone around me but I could feel my face burning and my guts were churning inside. It took forever to reach the mill gate and climb into the waiting car.

I was held overnight at the central police station in the Town Hall and I was questioned rigorously. Forbes and Collins seemed determined to prove that I'd been living off the immoral earnings of Tommy while he lived at my flat; and of those of Victor and Danny while they stayed with me. I knew that there was no truth at all to any of the allegations. Whatever he was up to in London, Tommy had never been on the game while he was in Bradford and neither Victor or Danny had done any trade while they were in the city; at least not from my flat.

It became apparent after a while that the two coppers hadn't any evidence; they were simply fishing in the hope that they might turn something up. On a couple of occasions their frustration showed as they tried to threaten and browbeat me into a confession but just as I
was starting to think that it might be easier to let them have what they wanted, we were interrupted.

A constable entered the interview room and whispered something to Forbes. "I'm satisfied for the moment that we haven't got enough evidence to charge you with anything so you're free to go. However, I have some bad news for you. I've just been informed that there's been a fire at your flat. It appears to have been started deliberately and we're holding a young man in connection with the incident. He claims to know you".

"How much damage is there?" I asked, fearing the worst. "You say that the guy who started it knows me. Who is he?".

I haven't got any information about the damage yet. I understand that the Fire Brigade are still clearing up. As to the identity of the man we're holding, we don't yet know that either. He refuses to say anything; apart from insulting you; and he isn't carrying anything which might identify him". He studied me for a moment. "It would save us some time if you would take a look at him and see if you can tell us who he is. Would you be prepared to do that. All you need to do is go to the door of the cell and take a peek". I nodded to indicate acquiescence and a few moments later I was taken down to the cells.

Looking through the spy-hole in the door I could make out a figure standing in one corner. He had his back to me but there was something familiar about the way he was holding his head and shoulders. I stood staring at him for a while, trying to put a face to the stance. Suddenly the face clicked into place and I blanched. I had to be certain that I was right.

"Jim!" I called out. "Jim. Is that you?".

Jim twisted round violently; a look of pure hatred flashing in his eyes. "You filthy shit-stirrer!" he screamed at me. "You perverted bastard! You.... You....". he threw himself at the door screaming incoherently. Collins and another constable ushered me away, Jim hurling abuse at me as I retreated. Snatches of his ravings followed me as I was escorted along a corridor and up a stairway. I picked out a reference to Blackpool and to 'those puffs you were carrying on with' and another phrase about 'you and that slut Tommy shagging each other'. Things were beginning to make some kind of sense.

Tommy and I hadn't seen much of Jim following our holiday in Blackpool. One or the other of us had bumped in to him a few times but it soon became clear that he seemed to be trying to avoid us. Neither of us were that concerned at the time because we had never regarded him as particularly close friend. He could be very moody and bad tempered and we'd rowed with him on a number of occasions in the past. He had always been a bit homophobic and intolerant of anything of anything he didn't understand.

A comment that he had once made suddenly popped into my mind..... " I had a bad experience once and I just don't feel comfortable around queers". Jim's actions were suddenly slotting into a pattern; his avoidance of us after Blackpool and the rumours about things that he was supposed to have hinted at about me and Tommy; things that we'd
chosen to ignore because they were so ambivalent. It was obvious now that he'd suspected more than we realised and that Danny's murder had confirmed his suspicions and perhaps tipped him over into hatred and violence.

After a few brief questions about Jim I was allowed to go. Forbes didn't offer to arrange a lift home for me. I probably wouldn't have accepted one anyway. I had no real idea about my future; no job and no place to live; but I certainly couldn't face going home at that particular moment. Any salvage could wait until the next day at least.

Impulsively, I began to search through my wallet. Somewhere I had Tommy's address and phone number. Going to London suddenly seemed like a very good idea. Finding the piece of paper and a phone, I scraped up some change and rang. A strange voice answered but assured me that I could leave a message for Tommy or Victor. "Just tell them that Alan's coming down to stay for a few days. I'll be arriving tomorrow. I'll find my own way to the house but tell them not to worry if it's inconvenient when I get there. I can always find a cheap hotel room"

"Don't worry about that" The voice replied. "Tommy said that if you phoned, I was to tell you that if things got too rough for you up there you were to get yourself down here. So you see, He's half expecting you anyway. He also said that when you get to London, you're to get a taxi to Paddington and not to worry about the cost. We can pay if you're short of money. Everything will be taken care of".

I hung up, relieved and grateful that could get out of Bradford the next day. The immediate problem now was to find somewhere to stay for the night. I had one hope; one person to turn to.

David opened the door to his flat; pulled me inside and took me in his arms; all without a word passing between us. He allowed me to cry until I was drained and only then did he let me go.

"You don't seem surprised to see me" I said finally, drying my eyes.

"I saw the paper this morning" he replied. "I thought that you might need a safe place to come to. I didn't even know if you'd turn up at all but this seemed like the best bet so I waited in for you".

"After all this time you still manage to surprise me". I looked at him; a surge of love coursing through me. "I didn't have much choice really. My flat got burned out earlier". I proceeded to tell him all my troubles.

We talked for a long time; or rather I talked. He sat quietly listening, occasionally interjecting to clear up a point or to encourage me to continue. Once I'd finished he surprised me again with one question. "How soon do you intend to go to London?".

"I didn't say that I was" I replied in some astonishment.

"You didn't have to. It became obvious about ten minutes ago that you'd made up your mind. Have you been in touch with your friends yet?.

I nodded. "I phoned them before I came here. They're expecting me tomorrow. You don't mind do you?".

"Of course I mind" He whispered very quietly. "I love you very much" He paused for a moment. "I understand why you're going though. Things have got far too ugly for you to stay around here at the moment. Are you going for good or will you come back again?".

"I haven't even begun to consider what I'm going to do yet. The only thing that I'm sure about at the moment is that I want to get away from everything. I need some time to think about my future; although there doesn't seem to be much of one left to think about the way things stand".

"This will all die down eventually. Yesterday's news is only good to wrap fish and chips in. People forget about these things very quickly". David gave me a quick cuddle. "Come on. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. You take the bed; I'll sleep on the settee in here".

"You don't have to do that" I said in some surprise. "I was expecting that you'd want to spend the night with me".

"Oh believe me; I do" He replied, "but it's going to hurt me enough when you leave tomorrow as it is. Sleeping with you tonight would only make things even more unbearable.

I could feel the tears pricking the back of my eyes. I've been a real bastard to you over the last few years haven't I?".

"Yes!" he said sadly, pushing me towards the bedroom door. "Goodnight"

I didn't sleep much nor I suspect did David. Every so often I could hear him moving about in the other room. I remember watching the first streaks of dawn filtering through the window and then suddenly I was being woken up with a cup of tea. At that moment I was almost tempted to forget London and stay here with this wonderful man who I had treated so badly over the years. As usual though he seemed to be reading my mind. "It would be a terrible mistake to stay in Bradford at the moment" he said. "There's nothing to keep you here in the short term. I got a taxi up to your flat when it got light. There's a policeman guarding it; not that there's much left to guard. I managed to salvage a few books and papers with the copper's help but apart from that the place is almost completely gutted. Your best bet is to get away for a while as you planned. You need some time away from here to get yourself sorted out. If you finally decide that you want to come back I'll probably still be here".